she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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