I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.
Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Randomize
