I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
No like I actually peed on the treadmill. As it was running
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
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