Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
