Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
