Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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