Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
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