the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Please clarify that he is speaking of beer pong and not rough sex
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
