If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
I want her autograph on my taint
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
i've created a new STD.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
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