just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
