better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
