I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
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