there are definitely too many half naked pictures of me out there for me to ever be famous.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
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