you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
Randomize
