I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
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