We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
