The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
can you explain why there is a dead rabbit in my front seat?
idk, I had a turtle in mine.
He passed out mid-signature
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
