im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
BOOTY CALL IN EFFECT, BOOTY CALL IN PROCESS, BOOTY CALL ACCEPTED, AND BOOTY CALL INITIATES FRIDAY NIGHT.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
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