It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
We had sex then laid in his bed eating chocolate and drinking juice boxes. I think I'm going to keep him around.
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