you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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