glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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