Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize
