and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Puking green right now......... jaimison mcflurry very bad idea
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
