I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
Randomize
