i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
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