I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Reggie can tackle my bush.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
