my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
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