Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
