im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
