I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
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