So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Randomize
