barbara walters just said penis...
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
Randomize