guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Did you pee in the oven last night??
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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