I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
