i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Randomize
