When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
