well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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