Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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