Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
It wasn't my fault.
You let her suck your neck. Yes it was your fault.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
Randomize
