I was in a gas station that sold tazers and I just saw a billboard that said "Strippers, need we say more?" God I love Georgia!
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Add tweezing eyebrows to the list of things not to do while on adderol....
Randomize
