You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
Randomize
