He saved me in his phone as Easy Jen. Should I be offended?
I wouldn't worry about it. He has me as "Sex Puppet."
Who did Billy Mays play for?
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
