does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
While we were having sex he told me "this is what you get for not parking my car right" I have never drove his car. He was that kind of weird.
Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?
I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Randomize