I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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