I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
