The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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