Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
dude she wont stop talking about little people big world...she said my penis looked like zach roloff and took a picture with her phone?
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
You took a bar mat shot.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
