I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
Can you bring me the toilet please
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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