I smell stomach acid.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
I know I may be showing my age by saying this but this is the first time I have been eaten out in the parking lot behind the Clairmont Inn since 1990
Randomize
