thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize