K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
yeah...it smells like an asshole would smell if someone ate sewage.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
How the fuck did he think me asking about the possibility of a threesome was a rhetorical question?
Things he has managed to cum on so far on spring break: my bikini, my back-up bikini, three of my four bras, two pairs of panties, four beds, six chairs, the floor of several hotel rooms, the window/door to the balcony from both sides, my tits, my face, my stomach, his stomach, my ass, his best friend's girlfriend's face, and his best friend's dick.
Just FYI spring break is over and you're supposed to be back in class but hey sounds like you had your orgy so congrats.
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
