We're facebook friends in real life
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
You can drink as much as you want but it's not gunna make her forehead any smaller
I was hoping it might at least fix her teeth
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
