I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
My vagina just recognized that song.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
DO NOT GO IN OUR BATHROOM. it cannot be unseen
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
Randomize