I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
Randomize
