I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Randomize
