you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
Randomize
