You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Randomize