If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
